by Dan
(UK)
Visitors Question:
I had my first relationship with a girl about 3 ago. It was great for about 2 months until I started to find we couldn't really sort out our issues, mainly to do with her fear of arguing. I also started to be attracted to other girls which I hadn't really been before and I guess the relationship waned a bit. Then she cheated on me (not sex, but everything but) and although she felt extremely guilty and told me the next morning, I found it hard to trust her. But, naive as I may have been at 15, I thought she might be 'the one' and tried to stick the relationship through. I don't think we ever had a conversation that really dealt with the issue and how I felt, mainly because she didn't want us to argue, but also, I definitely didn't feel comfortable telling her that I was attracted to other people. It felt wrong. I buried the issues, but we were never as close and after about 3 months, we broke up, but again, being the idiot that I was, I didn't fully explain myself and the break-up was messy.
Since then (the last 2 years), I have not had another girlfriend. I'm not 100% sure why not - I've never really fully pursued it, but I've had a few girls (maybe 4 or 5) who have liked me and would have gone out with me should I have asked. I have always stayed friends with my ex and over the past 6 months, our relationship has strengthened, to the point where I really enjoy spending time with her again and I am certain that if I asked her out again, she would say yes.
However, I'm stuck, because I'm not sure that I want that relationship again, for a few reasons. I still don't feel the way I did about her when we first started going out. Although we're both Christians, I'm a firm believer of not having sex before marriage, but I'm not sure she is - and even if not, she would definitely prefer the relationship to be more physical than me. But mainly, I feel like this girl is special to me, but I have no clue really whether she is special because she's the only person I've ever been intimate with or because she really is 'the one', if such a person exists.
There are further complications in that I am going travelling for 6 months starting in March and a couple of months after that we are both going to (separate) universities. I know it can sound selfish, but I almost feel as if I'd be held back in some sort of way if we were in a relationship while I was on my travels or at university meeting new people. I really feel I need to be honest and talk to her about why our past relationship failed, especially as we are now quite close again, but I don't know how I'd follow that up. I feel I need to make myself an ultimatum as to tell her that I am 'on the fence' and am not sure it would work would belittle her, but I really don't know.
I've got myself into a bit of a mess! Any light you could shed on the situation would be really helpful :-) Thank you
Dan (Male, 18)
Answer:
Well for starters, you're only 18. You should be concentrating more on your dreams and what you'd like to do with your life. You have time for the drama of women.
If you're firm on your religious beliefs then stick with them no matter what anyone says. Now as you get older, you may start seeing things a little different, but until then, stand firm.
As far as your girl, how do you know she didn't sleep with the person? What did she tell you? Do you believe her? Were you there? hmmmmmm.
She wasn't afraid to tell you what she did the night before that next morning did she?, so why should you feel guilty about telling her that you're attracted to other people, but I'm sure she knows that.
Maybe she told you for a reason. At least she was straight. Never be afraid to tell someone how you feel.
My brief advice for you my friend is to go after your dreams. Make yourself and your family proud.
Women will come and go. You're very young and still a little green. At this age just take your time. Watch them and listen to things that they say.
At your age, women are a bit more mature than you because older men come at them all the time so they've heard it all.
You can turn out to be a victim and we don't want that do we? Protect your heart and stay smart. A good one will come along from time to time but that shouldn't be your priority.
Becoming a smarter, strong, successful and intelligent man is.
I hope I've given you a little something to role with. Come again and let me know what's up. All the best to you.